


a story told in private

by socially_awkward_di



Category: Pentagon (Korea Band)
Genre: M/M, Mentions of Self-hatred, emotional late night talks, it's kinda angsty but tbh i don't understand what proper angst is, wooseok is there to listen, yuto thinks too much
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-08
Updated: 2020-08-08
Packaged: 2021-03-06 06:46:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,267
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25789051
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/socially_awkward_di/pseuds/socially_awkward_di
Summary: Wooseok notices that Yuto doesn't act like himself and confronts him about it. Yuto gets a bit emotional.
Comments: 10
Kudos: 21





	a story told in private

There was a loud knock on the door and then Wooseok threw it open. He was hanging out with Changgu who was doing a vlive and so the younger was a bit hyper after talking to Universe. Everybody knows Hyunggu is the ultimate fan of Pentagon's fans but in reality all of them are. Every single one is super grateful for their Universe; everyone loves savouring the words "my tagonies", "my favourite group Pentagon", "I'm their Universe" etc. That's why everyone always gets a boost of energy after spending some time with their beloved fanbase. Of course sometimes malicious comments or annoying spammers bug them but everything bad fades into thin air when they receive meaningful messages full of love. 

Yuto was sitting on his chair, absentmindedly picking the strings of his guitar. He was in the studio for quite a while now, the sun had long ago sat and the purples lights cast shadows on Yuto's face. He was sitting there. Thinking. About everything and nothing in particular. Sometimes thoughts become too much but you can't run away from your own mind forever. So now was the time to confront his worries, his insecurities and his doubts. 

'Yo, Yuto-yah, wanna go grab something to eat? We can buy some ice cream too!' Wooseok said bouncing around the room.

Yuto acknowledged his presence and tried putting on his best "everything is fine" face. He stopped picking the strings but didn't let go off the guitar as if it was the only thing that kept him in place.

'Nah, I'm good,' he gave the younger a small smile. 'How was the vlive?' If anything Yuto was a pro at changing topics.

'Oh, it was fun! As always,' Wooseok smiled going over the events of the last hour or so in his head. 'I don't know why but recently I've been visiting other's lives a lot. Hopefully they don't mind,' he scratched at the back of his head.

'Of course they don't,' Yuto tried smiling again. 'No one can say no to our giant maknae,' he let out a fake laugh. The fakest laugh that was. Which obviously didn't go over Wooseok's head. He immediately became serious and sat on the couch facing the other boy.

'Hey, is everything okay with you? You seem...not like your usual self,' worry was evident in his voice.

'No-no, everything is okay,' Yuto hurried to reassure him. 'I guess I'm just a bit tired. It's late and all so I'll probably head to the dorms now,' he started turning off the pc, cleaning the desk in an attempt to give Wooseok a hint that he should leave.

The younger placed his hand on top of Yuto's stopping him from whatever he was doing.

'It's clearly not okay. Yuto, just tell me what is it. There's nothing we can't get over together. Ten make one team, remember?' He looked Yuto in the eye and squeezed his hand reassuringly. His voice was so soft and caring and that was it. Yuto lost it. 

His eyes became watery and his face got red. He dropped back in his chair and gripped the guitar. 

'I'll tell you but-' he swallowed the tightness in his throat. 'But I'm going to cry because... I don't know why actually. If I speak as it is my throat gets tight and it's very hard to speak. But I'm not sad or hurting or anything so literally just ignore the tears, okay?' 

Wooseok nodded. Yuto avoided looking the younger in the eyes. He stared out of the window looking at the summer sky not so dark because of all the light pollution.

'Okay so,' he took a deep breath collecting his thoughts. 'As I've said, everything _is_ okay I was just... overthinking. You know, sometimes I read books, watch films, listen to music and see the relationships people have: holding hands, hugs, kisses, sleepovers, confessions, deep and meaningful conversations, silly banter and you know all that stuff. And one part of me really wants all that with that special someone, with those special someones. But then my other, rational, part tells me that in reality I don't really want all that. That I wasn't _made_ for that type of stuff and yeah, before you say it I know how pretentious and angsty that sounds. But it's true. Maintaining relationships is...not easy for me. I enjoy my solitude a bit too much and sometimes I push people away and I don't feel bad about it and when I think about these things more I understand that I don't really want hugs, I kind of hate kisses and...and-' He started speaking faster and faster, clearly getting more and more distressed. So Wooseok intervened and put his hand on Yuto's knee.

'Hey-hey, everything is okay. Take a deep breath. It's fine. Your feelings are valid and nothing you are talking about is shameful or anything'. 

Yuto squeezed his eyes shut letting tears stream down his cheeks instead of welling in his eyes. He inhaled and exhaled. Then he continued:

'And then...And then I think that I don't deserve any of that. That it's stupid to even fantasise about that type of stuff because it's so unreal. I have a lot of friends and I couldn't be more grateful for them but... I'm no one's first choice, you know? And that's what hurts the most-'

'Hey, that's not true!' Wooseok interrupted. 'You are my first choice!' 

Yuto smiled but the smile was bittersweet:

'Maybe. Only when Hyojong hyung and Yanan hyung aren't around'.

Guilt pierced Wooseok.

'Don't feel bad about it. Sometimes people just choose someone else and it's fine,' Yuto smiled and looked at his hands holding the guitar. 'I came to terms with my being alone a long time ago but sometimes I let false hope flood my mind and then I feel angsty about it. Being emotional kinda sucks,' he let out an exhausted laugh. 'I try to focus on other things but end up finding more flaws in myself which leads to me hating myself even more. And you know why I hate myself the most? Because I cry and whine and pity myself over such meaningless things. People out there are actually suffering, dying, struggling and here I am sitting in the comfort of my own studio, holding this expensive guitar, talking to my best friend not only that but I also have the audacity to crave more. I guess people are insatiable'. 

Silence lingered in the air. Finally Wooseok broke it.

'I...I really don't know what to say,' he said in a raspy voice trying to unload everything he had just heard. 

Yuto smiled brightly. The smile wasn't a fake one this time.

'You don't have to say anything, Seok-ah. You don't have to make me like myself or anything either. You listened and that is the most important thing. I don't know why but when you brew this thoughts in your head they never go away but if you share them with someone they kinda fade. Please, don't think about what I've just told you too much and don't let it affect our relationship, okay?' He held out his outstretched pinky. 'Pinky promise?' 

Still dazed Wooseok locked their pinkies.

'Okay! Wanna grab something to eat? All this moping and crying made me hungry,' Yuto energetically stood up. 

'Yeah...Sure,' with a heavy heart Wooseok rose from the couch. 

Yuto let him out of the studio and turned off the lights. The electronic door closed shut behind them, locking away forever one of Yuto's secrets.


End file.
